Interpolation
by deangirl22
Summary: An intruding android boards Red Dwarf at the behest of his crew - a female Hologram, a lady cat and (brother/sister) Polymorph twins. As if that wasn't enough to upset the balance, the lady cat's ex-boyfriend wants his bone back. [Takes place during the early Holly-less season. All OCs mentioned herein are mine.]
1. Chapter 1

An alarming amount of advertisements exist, even in space. Alarming, because a good million or so adverts have been or soon will be, valiantly observed by the crew of the Red Dwarf. There have been exactly seventeen pouts of boredom which thoroughly consumed Dave Lister and Arnold J. Rimmer at precisely the same instance. Such moments consisted of the two sitting in their corresponding bunks, and watching informercials together, without so much as an acknowledging grunt. The following passage describes what was broadcast during the eighteenth instance of inexplicably dense boredom that plagued Lister and Rimmer simultaneously.

* * *

A glimmering picture of space. Fancy lettering imprinted onto the screen in a dazzling white hue - 'Centaurus Crafts proudly present' it read. A flash of light and an upturn of music revealed 'the latest and greatest multi-demenison faring vessel: The Quirinus featuring Janus, masterfully reprogrammed Artificial Intelligence, NOW IN ANDRIOD FORM!'.

Janus was roughly six feet tall, structurally built like a human male, with blue-grey skin, quivering burgundy hair and teal fiber-optics. His circuity which ebbed with a deep red light, was visible along his various joints, and along his back were a series of half-toned rivets that were fleshed out when Janus needed to directly pilot the Quairinus.

'Janus!' the advert screamed, as if the viewer had already forgotten, despite the three and a half spiel about the modeling of the droid. 'Janus brings other droids to their knees, travel the galaxy with ease!' the advert announcer gloated, as a long list of defensive and offensive capabilities were shown one after the other. 'Whether on the ground, or in the sky, Janus is a loving protector to any and all shipmates!' the announcer gushed, showcasing Janus hugging a blonde-haired child, with a soulless smile flexing upon his mouth. Subtext appeared beneath the heartwarming embrace - *Janus runs on a dual personality matrix of Passion and Aggression. Vigorous maintenance is required to prevent the personality matrixes from meshing. Results of meshed personality matrixes vary, but typically consist of psychological warfare. In times of physical combat, enforcing the Passive inhibitor is highly encouraged to avoid friendly fire. Centaurus Crafts cannot be held liable for any grievous injuries or agonizing deaths caused by Janus; this includes but is not limited to the byproduct of a behavioral development such as a god complex. *

'The Quirinus complete with Janus!' the announcer yelped giddily. 'Sold only from NGC 5139 [Omega Centauri]!'

Cat, who had walked in mid-way through the informercial gave a meek shudder. "That thing is creepy with a capital Cree! Going into battle with nothing but wiggling hair and pulse-rifle fingers. Egh. How's he ever going to seduce a lady bot with that repertoire?" Cat complained.

Lister inhaled a laugh. "I don't think that's exactly on his agenda Cat. I mean he lacks the proper equipment doesn't he? Makes sense he'd be more interested in flying the ship and shooting things." he reflected, reclining into his bunker.

"Well," Rimmer put his hands on his knees, pivoted into a standing position and declared. "I for one think it looks like a marvelous bit of machinery. A proud, glory-bound droid hellbent on destroying its adversaries..whether on the battlefield or in the midst of a heated romp of Risk!"

"Yeah..and from the sound of it, if you beat him and he decides to take it personally - his Aggressive inhibitor goes off and you'd find yourself with a gapping hole where your head used to be." Lister retorted.

Rimmer ignored Lister's rebuttal. "Just think of it Listy, a droid that could perfectly navigate time and space. We'd never be lost!"

Kryten entered the room. "If you're talking about Janus, Mister Rimmer Sir, I can assure you, his twitchy trigger finger far outweighs his galactic memory core."

"You've encountered one of him before Kryten?" Lister asked, his face and voice bright with surprise.

Kryten gave half a nod, then his mouth soured at the memory. "Ugh, he was the most vain, reckless droid I've ever had the displeasure of seeing. He corrupted Cynthia991 and then went right back to greasing the circuit-boards with Dahila773. Of all the nerve!" he blanched, with a disapproving shake of his head.

"Hold on, you're talking about that television show again aren't you?" Cat piped.

"Of course. Why you didn't think I actually met a Janus before? Bwha!" Kryten chuckled. "Sirs the only way I could possibly see that happening would be in silicon heaven! The Janus class are legendary, in fact despite popular television, few droids have ever interacted with one. Many feeble-minded bots even consider Janus a myth."

"A myth?" Rimmer repeated.

"Yes sir. They summarize that Janus is a fictitious ideal that all droids strive for. Why what with his suave commanding voice and neigh indestructible platform, Janus is quite the circuit-shaker..." Kryten chuckled again, but noticing the blank expressions of his shipmates, he potently added. "Think of Janus, if you will, as a metallic James Bond."

"James Bond?" Cat repeated, glancing skeptically at the screen. "Then where's his tuxedo?"

A sharp robust voice, new to the crew of Red Dwarf responded accordingly. "Clothing is a superficial attempt at blending with humanity. Clothing also presents a fire hazard." Janus answered, barely flicking an optical lid at the gawking group.

"Where the smeg did you come from?!" Lister blurted, looking past the droid to the corridor.

"Question irrelevant. Emotional analysis in progress. Standby." Janus responded bluntly, bowing his head, his optics flashing white.

Kryten gave himself a little shake. "Oh the blip on the screen! It must have been his Quirinius I saw, Sirs. Well let it never be said that the speed and agility of those vessels aren't as superb as advertised. Why, it couldn't have been on our radar longer than six milliseconds before it vanished."

Rimmer let out an irritable sigh. "Wonderful. The universe emits a googolplex of false advertisements and the one time we're shown a factual one, we're faced with a six-foot, battle-ready android who's light on conversation."

Lister edgily flexed and unflexed his palms. "I don't understand, how did he beam aboard Red Dwarf without setting off the teleportation alert?"

"Oh sir, you know that program has always been a bit melancholic. Besides which, the sheer magnitude of a Quirinius teleportation field, has no known comparison. Wonderful for marketing, but horrendous for business." Kryten said hurriedly.

"What do you mean?" Rimmer pressed.

"Word soon caught on that the Quirinius could zap anyone into anywhere faster than previously thought possible and even better, the ship's VI Janus was highly corruptible. This hailed a whole new era of airship larceny. Naturally the Quirinius model was outlawed, but Centaurus Crafts determined to remain a key competitor in the marketplace, swiftly created a new generation. Janus was upgraded from being merely the ship's interface, to being an actual member of the ship - an android, a morale compass, as all droids are meant to be." Kryten explained.

"So he can't hurt us." Rimmer mused.

"I'm afraid that's only partly true Mister Rimmer. Janus is sworn to uphold protection of his crew, but anyone or anything that threatens said crew are fair game. Also the 'morale compass' I mentioned, largely is his own, seeing as the Janus class run on DPM or Dual Personality Matrix that favors both peace and war equally. Whatever his reason for being here, let us try to remain on his good side Sirs." Kryten responded, worriedly.

With his gaze still fixated on the floor, Janus, lifted his head which had buckled slightly during his processing. "Emotional analysis complete. Affection levels minimum, annoyance levels vary. Retracting bribe protocols. Retraction complete."

"What are you on about? Why are you here?" Lister demanded.

Janus blinked, his fiberoptics focusing on Lister. A thin smile seeped onto his even thinner lips. "The feline sapient and myself will be promptly departing." he stated.

"You want Cat? What for?" Lister pressed.

"Take him." Rimmer blurted, earning an instant outcry from Lister.

"Confidentially protocols active, inquiry ignored. Permission counterproductive, this topic is not up for debate." Janus responded.

"Oh no?" Lister gaffed, crossing his arms.

The teal eyes of Janus turned solely on Lister to assess the magnitude of the challenge, but his attention immediately rerouted when Cat stepped forward with his chest puffed out.

"Now you listen here Jeeves, I'm not going anywhere with you, 'cept maybe a scrap yard!" Cat told the bot with a dignified scoff.

"Don't-threaten-him." Rimmer hissed heavily from behind clenched teeth.

"Mister Rimmer is right, the DPM generates a very miniature 'mutual' status with a haphazardly short shelf-life." Kryten fretted.

The meek smile that had remained on Janus's face had melted into oblivion, his attention never varying from Cat. "Cooperation is encouraged. Sufficient time will be allotted for the collection of personal belongings." Janus informed.

"Would take more than a light-year for Cat to collect all his clothes." Lister snickered, walking up beside Cat, less than eight inches away from Janus. "Why do your masters want Cat?" he questioned steadily.

"For God's sake Lister!" Rimmer mumbled fearfully.

"You mentioned what 'confidentially protocols' being active..that must mean you're here on the behest of someone from your ship. They aren't feline fetish smeggers are they?' Lister corralled.

"Oh really Mister Lister, haven't you listened to a word I said?! It's as if you're begging him to annihilate you! Janus, if I might get a word in.." Kryten rambled worriedly, nudging between Lister and Janus. "Surely even with your vast capabilities, locating us must have required some effort. Now without naming names, may we at least know the nature of whomever it is, that dictates the company of Cat?"

Janus regarded Kryten in a manner that almost shadowed contempt. "The 'nature' of which you ask, is one of peace. Cat will not be harmed. Do you intend to interrogate me further Cry-tin?" Janus glowered, the corners of his mouth tightening into a sneer.

In the short course of five seconds, Kryten blabbered cautiously, Lister's dander flared up, and Cat made a show of sitting down on the table. The heightening tension was all too much for Rimmer, who anticipating bloodshed, found himself yammering aloud. "Parlay!" Silence immediately gripped his shipmates, who each looked at him blankly. Rimmer cleared his throat, tugged at the ends of his padded polyester top and arched his back as straight as his cowardice would allow. "Parlay." Rimmer repeated again, staring boldly into the gaze of Janus.

* * *

- ***Meanwhile aboard the Porta Belli, Quirinus Class Freighter*-**

The hard-light Hologram of Moxie Barrie-Craigles, repressed an eight-ton sigh, her blue eyes rolling to the back of head with the strife. "You can mew as long as you like Sierra, it won't change my mind." she said, the semi-transulant sleeves of her black blouse coiling up her arm as she drew a card from the deck. Playing poker with the mid-thirities Moxie, was a black-haired twenty-something named Pierre Jules, who watched feverishly as Moxie crossed and uncrossed her long legs, largely unconcealed by a pair of shorts disguised as a skirt. Noticing Pierre's downward stare, Moxie smirked. "Are you hiding an ace under the table I should know about?" she asked, flicking a stray strand of her auburn hair free of her heart-shaped face.

Pierre mirrored her smirk, his gaunt cheeks reaching up toward his even gaunter cheekbones. "Funny, I was about to ask you that..but then again," Pierre paused mid-sentence to stretch his legs. "If Ace were down there, I could use his bright shiny ass as a foothold. Alas." he finished smugly, his green eyes alight with laughter, his flaccid voice alive with cynicism.

Sierra sauntered up to the poker table, resting her elbows on the space between the two card-players. "Waste of a perfectly perky ass if you ask me...for a human anyhow." she declared, her devious gaze swinging from Pierre to Moxie, eager for a reaction. Sierra was an evolved Felis Margarita, a decedent of the last-surviving sand-dune cat clan. Her skin was tawny, her dirty blonde hair ended shortly past her ears, with underlying black strands tufting against the underside of her jaw. The red eyeliner she wore surprassed the corners of her grey eyes, drawn diagonally up to her hairline, to coincide with the red clan markings embellished along her neck. An immense fan of sleeveless shirts and dresses, Sierra also regularly wore blackened leather bands around both arms that trailed down to a single finger on either hand, where Sierra naturally painted her claws black to match. On this day in particular, Sierra's attire was a royal blue dress with silver ringlets around the waist and a pair of grey pull-up boots.

When Moxie at last gazed up at Sierra, Sierra's bow-shaped mouth parted into a toothy grin. Moxie also smiled, but with ill-content. "If you think marveling over Ace's ass, is going to rattle me to the core, rattle me so very badly that I issue Janus a full cease and decease order..well..than you really are a bigger blonde than I gave you credit for. My apologies." Moxie retorted, switching her focus onto her cards.

Sierra hung her head in defeat, and a groan rumbled in her throat. "There's a cat saying Mox - I want what I want when I want it because its what I want." Sierra slowly straightened from her hunched position, her claws digging into the felt tabletop in the process. "I. Like. Dogs." she emphasized haughtily. "So this plan to hijack some guy cat for me to romance is about as useless as Pierre ogling you." she finished irately, gesturing unnecessarily, before crossing her arms. Pierre's jaw tightened, and his green eyes darkened into a steely leer that Sierra was oblivious to.

Moxie bit back a laugh, and drew another card from the deck. "Your species are few and far between Sierra..."

"And?"

"And you've already said that you want kittens someday."

"Yeah when I start to lose my sass! Not now. No way no...hey..are you calling me old?" Sierra scowled, her dusky voice rising in anger as she rested her hands on her hips.

Moxie resisted the urge to roll her eyes, but the same couldn't be said for Pierre. "No Sie. All I meant was, what's the harm in experimentation?" Moxie said cordially.

A soft snigger threshed from Sierra's lips. "I'm sure one of Pierre's ancestors said the same thing, and look what came of it. Two quarters polymorph...esh." she retorted, perching on the stairs to the upper level once again. Pierre flopped his cards onto the table, and turned to leer at Sierra, but before he could utter one word, Sierra throttled on. "If you're really going to make me go through with this Moxie, then maybe you should try experimenting too."

"How do you propose I do that?" Moxie wondered, resting an arm on the back of her chair to better glimpse her feline friend.

"Simple. Date a little. Because really Mox, what's more unnatural? My taste for dogs, or your unwavering devotion to a glory-hound like Ace Rimmer?" Sierra challenged.

PIerre cleared his throat, earning Moxie's exasperated attention. "I hate to agree with the clawed one, but she's right in this case. Sierra barks when she's in heat, and you..well you do alot of howling over someone you didn't even bed for smeg's sake..." Pierre chortled.

The surprise on Moxie's face swiftly faded into contempt as her blue eyes revolved onto Sierra once again. Sierra merely shrugged. "What? I warned you when we first met, never tell me anything in confidence, even if we're both drunk! I always remember my drunken escapades and I always babble to everyone who's anyone, first thing in the morning." Sierra replied firmly in her defense.

"Miss Barrie-Craigles?" called Janus, his voice ricocheting from every corner of the ship.

"Yes Janus? How goes the retrieving of Sierra's future Liter-Laborer?" Moxie inquired, rising from her seat with a smirk.

"Amid the increasing temptation of slaying non-feline personnel aboard Red Dwarf, a standstill has occurred madame." Janus confessed.

"Standstill?" echoed Moxie and Pierre.

"The Hologram has declared 'parlay', Miss Barrie-Craigles and Mr. Jules...Permission to activate Aggressive mode?" Janus responded, sounding hopeful about the notion of carnage.

Pierre answered first. "Permission denied Janus, you can't kill every little thing that annoys you."

"I ran an emotional analysis as Miss Barrie-Craigles instructed. The crew holds minimum affection for the feline in question, and that feeling is mutual for him. Yet they all displayed defiance. Perhaps I shouldn't have retracted the bribe protocols so quickly Mister Jules." Janus marveled.

"Bribe protocols?" Sierra repeated, nonchalant to the stare-off ensuing between Moxie and Pierre. "I thought Moxie erased those..."

"She did. Miss Barrie-Craigles deemed my bribery code unstable, she worried it could trigger an unverified Aggressive stance. Mr. Jules however, re-installed them for this mission, out of presumed necessity." Janus explained.

"Janus?" Moxie began.

"Yes madame?" Janus piped.

"Pierre is hereby cut off from any sort of "recreational" television, until I state otherwise." Moxie ordered.

"Processing..Pause. Define 'recreational' please Miss Barrie-Craigles." Janus pressed.

"Anything with naked women. Also anything with men being pleasured by women." Moxie clarified.

Sierra slunk up to Pierre, snickering. "She's barring your porn! Janus make a note, in the coming days I'd like to say an ode to poor Pierre's unprivileged pecker." she giggled wickedly.

Noticing Sierra's incorrigible glee, Moxie decided to make a revision. "One last thing Janus, block Sierra's inter-species smut too."

"What?!" Sierra cried, her face stricken with horror. Pierre began to laugh aloud, his head lulling back.

"You won't be needing it, I'm about to acquire you a delicious new friend remember?" Moxie jeered, with a wide grin.

"And you really expect me to rely on him? He could be into other guy cats for all you know!" Sierra fretted agitatedly.

"Janus, your input." Moxie ordered.

There was a brief pause. "...Madame must I really...?' Janus protested.

"Janus." Moxie insisted.

Janus sighed, causing the entire ship to grumble. "My emotional analysis confirmed feline sapient is heterosexual and very very frisky."

Sierra's shoulders slumped and a small whine whistled from her mouth. "And he can keep it that way too! I bet he's all clean, proper and pretty. Ugh."

"Don't worry, if he's prettier than you, we'll just find another cat." Moxie jeered.

"Awe do you mean that?' Sierra purred, failing to note Moxie's sarcasm.

Moxie squared her shoulders, repressing a sigh throbbing in her throat and announced. "Janus, beam me in."


	2. Chapter 2

The meeting between Moxie Barrie-Craigles and the crew of Red Dwarf was one of immense shock and awe. Kryten, much to his dismay was not expecting a female authoritative figure. Neither were Lister, Rimmer or the Cat, much to their collective delight. It had been far too long since any of them had seen an actual female, Hologram or not, and they accomplished little else but gawking at her with their mouths open. Through her sheer astonishment, Moxie did not register Janus proclaiming her name for their benefit. Instead, she slowly though purposely, stepped forward, her blue eyes locked on Rimmer.

"You went and got yourself mucked into a Hologram?" Moxie noted, her voice barely higher than a whisper. "I always knew you to be brazen but this...I mean look at you. I thought if anyone, other than myself, would stray from the cliched Hologram attire of padded polyester, it'd be you. Unless, you still feel the failure don't you? As if it happened yesterday...that's why you've let yourself go so horribly..." Moxie's hand grazed Rimmer's hair, trailing down his cheek to the scar on his jaw. "It's alright." Moxie assured him with a smile. "I'm here now, I'll get you back on the up and up." she promised, leaning in, her ashen lips embracing Rimmer's.

Grimacing, Lister's gaze drifted from Rimmer's lower region to Cat. "By the looks of it she already has him 'up and up'. Who the smeg is this lady?"

"I don't know, but she must be crazy. I mean who would want to snog someone like him, especially when given the chance to snog me?" Cat replied, thumbing at himself for emphasis.

"This is very peculiar Sirs, she appears to have a steamy history with Mister Rimmer." Kryten agreed, surveying how the arms of Moxie and Arnold had coiled around each other.

"What history? Rimmer barely has a history." Lister said disdainfully.

"Yeah, besides, if GoalPostHead had some vixen waiting in the wings, he'd be bragging about it. Nonstop!" Cat added.

"Precisely! Unless perhaps...oh my..." Kryten trailed off.

"Madame? Madame." Janus said, his voice lined with disapproval and urgency. "The man you are shamelessly snogging, Arnold Judas Rimmer, does not match the psychological profile of Ace Rimmer."

Moxie broke the kiss, to gaze at Janus. Rimmer, sensing the demise of his sudden snogfest, swiftly channeled Ace, his voice grew steep, his tone bold and carefree. "Clearly your droid is malfunctioning." Rimmer leaned in again, but Moxie laid a hand against his chest to stop his advance.

"Janus, are you saying...?" Moxie trailed off, her cheeks growing warm, an irksome inner voice acknowledging the close proximity with which she was currently situated.

Lister spoke up. "He's not Ace."

Rimmer's mind raced to think of a response, but his brainpower simply wasn't faster than Moxie's palm slapping him square in the cheek. "OW. Hey you kissed me!" he reminded, sourly.

"And made 'im pop a tent." Lister pointed out. Moxie's palm balled into a fist and soared right into Rimmer's stomach. "That'd a gurl." Lister approved, as Moxie retreated.

"So we're in some parallel dimension hoo-ha? Why didn't you mention that earlier Janus?" Moxie demanded crossly.

"It did not seem relevant Miss Barrie-Craigles. I could not have predicted you would interact so..intimately." Janus replied coyly.

"This never happened Janus. Erase the last three minutes from your memory bank." Moxie stated.

"Three? With all due respect Madame, erasing three minutes would only account for the announcement that he was not Ace Rimmer, and your physical altercation that followed. I calculated that your tongues became intertwined approximately seven minutes ago." Janus responded.

"I don't...hang on, I was not smogging him for four minutes!" Moxie stammered in an protesting manner.

"Did you blackout a little? Wish I could've." Cat said ruefully.

"Technically you are right Madame. Your kiss lasted three minutes and forty-eight seconds."

Her cheeks flushed, Moxie ran an absentminded hand through her auburn hair. "Fine, last several minutes erase, now Janus." Moxie ordered. Janus complied, though the corners of his lips had upturned into a smirk. Moxie took a deep breath, exhaled it into a sheepish smile, clasped her hands behind her back and gazed anew at the Dwarfers. "I apologize, I appear to have made a horrendously uncharacteristic first impression that I'm a slag.."

Cat scoffed. "Apology not accepted! My stomach's still turning." Cat whined, clenching his abdomen woefully. "This is worse than when I inhaled a fur-ball in that backwards dimension."

Moxie continued speaking as if Cat hadn't breathed a word, though her smile unfurled slightly. "It's merely that Ace has a strange effect on people...and by people, I mean myself. I saw..Rimmer here, and just assumed it was Ace, degrading from his inevitable fall from grace in the face of death." Moxie cleared her throat. "I'm not a slag." she added lamely.

"Debatable." Janus said, matter-of-factly.

"Excuse me?" Moxie gawked.

"I don't mean to offend Madame, it's merely that judging from your own psychological profile, your sexual prowess far exceeds the..."

"STOP. Profiling was only required for our initial meeting Janus, you can bloody stop it now."

Smiling ear-to-ear, Lister spoke up. "What'd you say your name was again?"

"Moxie. Moxie Barrie-Craigles, of the Porta Belli." Moxie introduced with a small bow of her auburn-hued head.

"Dave Lister of Red Dwarf. You've come here for Cat, haven't you Moxie? What do you want with 'im?" Lister asked.

Confusion swelled on Moxie's face. "He doesn't have a name? He's just called 'Cat'?" she sidelined, observing Cat thoughtfully.

"Well yeah." Lister said.

"That's good. Hm..he's handsome, and dressed to perfection." Moxie noted, causing a wide prideful grin to coat Cat's face. "That's bad." Moxie winced.

"What?! How could that be bad?" Cat asked exasperated.

Moxie sighed. "Because Sierra, our female cat., she likes her mates more...rugged and deprived." Moxie's gaze strayed onto Lister. "Will definitely have to keep her away from you.." she mused.

"Did you say female cat?" Cat pressed, taking half a step toward Moxie. Moxie nodded. "So you're saying, you're here to pair me up with with your female feline?" Moxie nodded again. "OOOOOOOYYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH...YEAHYEAH-OUAAAAAA..." Cat cheered, gallivanting from side-to-side in a bouncing fashion. "AHHHH...hold on." Cat stopped suddenly, clenching the collar of his jacket. "I have to change into something more...courting."

"Oh that's really not..." Moxie paused, as Cat gripped her hand, with a devilish look, then licked her knuckles. "..Necessary." she finished slightly flustered.

"Not necessary? Of course it is, just look at me! This is my 'most-handsome-guy-on-the-ship' suit. What I need is my 'most-handsome-cat-that-ever-lived' suit. Now, don't you go no where." Cat responded, swaggering out of the room.

Lister itched a spot on his neck, and hoisted himself back into his bunk. "You may want to get comfortable, he could be awhile." he advised, propping his pillow beneath his elbow.

"How long?" Moxie asked with a hint of worry.

Lister's smile returned with a cocky edge. "Well let me put it to you this way Mox - the last time Cat thought he was meeting a female, it took him an entire weekend to prepare. And that was for a human! Knowing he's about to meet a female cat this time, it could take him a full week!"

"You can't be serious...?" Moxie mumbled, instantly disenchanted.

Kryten spoke at last. "Not at all ma'am. Mister Lister speaks the truth, even in the dullest of times it can take between several hours to a full day before Cat has decided on a wardrobe."

Janus made a noise that sounded reminiscent of a snicker. "Madame the likelihood of..." he began.

"Silence Janus." Moxie interrupted, massaging the arch of her eyes. "Maybe we should...?"

Rimmer, who appeared to finally find his voice, interrupted Moxie's interruption. "So that's it then? You barge into our ship with your oversized Smurf of an android, passionately caress my tongue with yours in a case of mistaken identity then smack me about like a contemptuous tease, all in an effort to give your feline friend a new playmate? You're right there's no mistaking you for a slag, not at all, you're an ideal cherub, nothing less."

The teal eyes of Janus's fiber-optics flashed red, but sensing an Aggression outburst, Moxie consolingly ran her fingers through the weaves of his hair until his eyes returned to their mutual state. Moxie glanced at Rimmer with a subtle smirk. "Maybe I deserve that bit of rollocking. But I'm not about to apologize for hitting you. That was atypical male behavior Arnold, you knew I had you confused for someone else, but you didn't give a smeg. You want me to apologize for a little retaliation? If anyone should be apologizing, it should be you."

"Apologize for what? Looking like Ace, thereby causing you to exhume all your affection for him onto me? Oh pardon me for enjoying it! You're in love with the git aren't you?" Rimmer replied.

"Don't...yes. And?" Moxie stammered, her feathers quickly ruffling.

"And...You're a fool! I met Ace, your name didn't come up. He doesn't care about you, you're a Girl-Thursday, a succulent squeeze, nothing of substance." Rimmer told her.

"Rimmer!" Lister protested, swinging out of his bunk.

"You're just a tatty little trollop, Moxie, he'll never return your love. Why should he? Ace already has you sound as a pound, all he'd have to do is show his stupid smug face and your knickers would already be down to your ankles." Rimmer spat.

"MISTER RIMMER SIR!" Kryten warned.

"What? Someone's got to..." The rest of Rimmer's sentence faded away, as he at last realized why Lister and Kryten had been trying to get his attention. By wrangling her fingers through the networked hair of Janus, Moxie hadn't disabled the Aggressive streak Janus had been generating, she had merely delayed it. The fiberoptics of Janus were red-orange now, his facial features contorted into a glower. "Oh smeg..." Rimmer swore.

There was a flash of light, a pulsate of energy that throbbed across the entire room, followed by a delayed yelp from Rimmer as he thudded to the floor, twitching. Lister and Kryten quickly raised their hands in surrender, but Janus had no intention of hurting them. Moxie stared down at Rimmer's wrangling form with a grim smile planted on her face. "Cruel bastard." she muttered softly to herself.

"He can't help himself, that's just the way Rimmer is, total unabashed smeghead. You're not about to kill him are ya?" Lister responded wearily.

"We're not murderers Lister." Moxie replied, though she was enjoying Rimmer's discomfort immensely. "What's your mechanoid's name?"

Kryten answered forthcomingly. "Kryten ma'am."

"Kryten, would you please check on Cat? If he hasn't made any progress, Janus will beam Sierra aboard, that ought to motivate Cat." Moxie said, her voice heavy. Kryten nodded once, and with a tentative glance at Janus, he walked sideways out of the room. "For now, Janus and I will return to our ship. Rimmer, ought to stop withering shortly enough. Though I must admit, Janus has never attacked a Hologram before. If need be, our technician Isolde can look him over. Goodbye Dave."

Lister waited until Moxie and Janus had teleported away before he approached Rimmer. "How you doing you right git? What the smeg were you thinking insulting 'er like that?" he asked, pulling Rimmer into an upright sitting position.

"Listy, I-I-I..." Rimmer stuttered, his projection flickering between hard light and soft light. Without wasting a second, Lister popped him on the jaw while he was corporeal, sorting him out. "I think I'm in love.." Rimmer admitted, staring hungrily where Moxie had last been standing.

"Come off it." Lister scoffed, helping Rimmer stand.

"I'm serious Lister. From the moment I saw her I knew. That impassioned speech she gave, touched me to my innermost core."

"What, you mean when she thought you were Ace? Those words weren't directed at you, they were meant for him, man."

Rimmer closed his eyes. "Her kiss. Mm. So much need, such strong desire, no one's ever kissed me like that before."

"I'm not surprised!" Lister gaffed, his hands on his hips.

Frustration gleamed on Rimmer's face. "You don't understand Lister."

"You're right, I don't. If you're so keen on Moxie, why'd you tear 'er down so badly?"

"Because if I hadn't acted out, she'd have written me off and completely ignored my existence."

"...Says the man using schoolboy bully tactics on a grown woman!" Lister chuckled.

"You saw her, she barely glanced at me once she determined I wasn't Ace!" Rimmer said, pacing back and forth. "Now she sees me as the bastard I am, unavoidable and absolute. She may not like me, but she will remember me. And not just as the bloke she accidentally snogged, no, she'll remember me as the bloke she accidentally snogged that'd likely have been a tad nicer if she hadn't tortured him mercilessly with her tight body and come-hether eyes."

A strange look crossed Lister's face, prompting Rimmer to turn around to see what Listy was gazing at. Standing in the corridor, smiling vibrantly as if she'd just caught her very first fish, was Sierra. "Moxie has an admirer...and he looks just like Ace, without the flowing hair and deep devil-may-care voice. This is like...cat-nip during a meteor shower!" Sierra giggled, slinking away.

"Wait-wait! Sierra, wasn't it?" Rimmer said, hurrying after her footfalls. Sierra reappeared in the doorway, her head slightly tilted. "Right, Sierra. Ahem. There's really no need to share whatever it is, you heard. I was just idly gossiping, droll stuff, not worth mentioning to anyone. The only reason I told Lister about it is because he doesn't count as anyone, he's a nobody, a nitwit. You understand, don't you Sierra?"

"Why don't we make a bargain Not-Ace?" Sierra retorted.

"What sort of bargain?" Rimmer asked cautiously.

"I won't tell Moxie you're lusting after her, if and only if, I can have a cat nap with Lister in his bunk." Sierra replied, glancing past Rimmer to Lister. "Your bunk is the one that smells faintly like an old kennel isn't it?" she added.

"You have a deal." Rimmer said.

"Hold on..." Lister feebly protested.

"Too late, Not-Ace already agreed." Sierra hummed, raking her claws across Lister's chest before climbing into his bunk.

"His name's Rimmer. Why'd you want a rest with me anyway? Not some lady-cat tactic to make the male go into a frenzy or something, is it?" Lister asked begrudgingly.

"I wouldn't know, never been with another cat before." Moxie announced, kneading Lister's pillow before sliding it beneath her head. "I like dogs, that's sorta the problem. Moxie's sick of me constantly getting my heart trampled on, so she decided it was time for me to try dating a cat."

"Smeg." Lister said softly, feeling a twinge of guilt. Lister was fairly certain Cat would end up hurting Sierra too, unintentionally but even so.

"Correct me if I'm wrong Sierra, but you like dogs and you wanted a cat nap with Lister because his bunk smelled to you like a kennel...then I can safely say Listy makes you nostalgic for your canine ex-lovers, doesn't he?" Rimmer concluded cockily.

"Go to blazes Rimmer." Lister scowled, settling down beside Sierra.

"You're not wrong." Sierra said, earning an dubious glance from Lister. "It's not a bad thing...I promise." Sierra purred, closing her eyes while snuggling closer to Lister, and draping an arm over his abdomen.

"Ah this is a glorious day isn't it Listy?" Rimmer beamed, sinking into his own bunk.

"Shud your gob and go find Cat would ya?" Lister whispered.

"And leave you two alone? That would just be plain irresponsible." Rimmer jeered, reclining comfortably.


	3. Chapter 3

Surrounded by six full-length mirrors, Cat rummaged through his various outfits, speaking candidly to himself about silks and cottons. Kryten tutted around back and forth, angrily muttering to himself in the hallway about Moxie and Janus, while catching any article of clothing Cat carelessly threw aside. "I must protest you going along with this. Doing so would only encourage more dastardly deeds from an android as welcoming as an acid bath and a Hologram that must be taught the basic principle of personal boundaries. I mean really, poor Mister Rimmer, having to endure her cleavage thrust into his chest, egh." Kryten grimaced at the memory.

"There was only one thing on the mind of Nostril-Nancyboy-NoShag, and it wasn't 'woe is me'..." Cat assured him. "Now stop bothering me and check on that retch; you're both distracting me at a time when I really don't wanna be distracted! I have a lady to impress and less than a week to prepare!"

"Retch?" Kryten repeated blankly.

Cat dropped the pure-white jacket he had been holding. "Something smells like whisky bottled with toenail clippings...you're telling me it's not Mystery Drink Monday?" he replied.

"It's Thursday. Perhaps the scent you're picking up is your lady. Bwha!" Kryten jeered, stomping away down the hall to investigate.

"No. She smells like..." Cat paused to better sniff her out. "...Lister. And Lister smells like her. I can hear thumping...and purring..." Cat's smile slowly faded. "Oh he had better not be doing what I think he's doing." Cat mumbled, sorting through his clothing with a new burst of vigor. "He knows I'm the king of Twist & Jump, how dare he play it without me!"

* * *

Marching through the various floors of Red Dwarf, Kryten tried to assess what could possibly be making the peculiar thumping sound, yet any redeemable hypothesis was repeatedly being blocked out by the saying 'bad things happen in threes'. Firstly, was the appearance of the Quirinius and consequently Janus. Secondly, was the arrival of Moxie Barrie-Craigles and her dealings of adultery. Thirdly, it stood to reason, would have to be the source of this irritating thumping.

Kryten was so engrossed in his theories of the source of the thumping, that he initially walked straight pass it. Kryten stopped abruptly, attempting to process what he'd just seen. Throughly convinced his optics had glitched, Kryten popped them out, wobbled the lenses against the palms of his hands, popped them back in, then turned around. It was quite simply a male human-dog hybrid, who wore steel-toed boots, ripped jeans, a leather vest and a white choker that read 'Dale' in black studs. The top of Dale's head was a scraggly mess of blonde locks, but along his brow, leading down his snout to the tip of his blackened canine nose, were fairer blonde strands. The underside of Dale's mouth however, was grotesquely human, consisting of an enlarged jowl, the pale skin sagging where the snout met the palette. His dark eyes were slightly larger than a human's should be, and though from his neck down to his stomach were perfectly human, Dale's haunches which he was currently resting on, were clearly canine, despite bearing human calves. Dale's slew of misshapen knuckles, pounded on a nearby pipe, that he was hunched beside.

"Er hello." Kryten greeted awkwardly, with the sudden realization that he been mutely staring at Dale for over a minute now. "I'm Kryten. Are you a friend of Moxie's?"

Dale didn't respond, but he did slowly stand, revealing his height to be five inches shorter than Kryten. Dale's gaze leapt past Kryten, as several similar hybrids closed in around the mechanoid. They all were the same height, wore the same outfit, and had the same facial structures, though some of them were brunette. Kryten putted around in a circle, gazing at their gruesome expressionless faces. The frightful emotion known as panic began to swell within Kryten, until his optics honed in on a human approaching with a sonic shotgun in hand.

The stranger was the same height as Kryten, roughly the same age as Lister, with premature grey scruff and rusty-red hair flocked messily across his scalp. There was a badly dented silver plaque on his leather vest, which read Bovver. Kryten's relief to see Bovver, faded when Bovver smiled, revealing a mouthful of canine teeth. "I gotta say, Cretin, I've turned lotta bots into chew toys, but you have got to be the first droid I've ever seen that operates post-chewed." Bovver greeted with a slight southern twinge. "Ain't that right boys?" The hybrids surrounding Kryten, all bore their teeth in what Kryten presumed to be smiles, which nonetheless startled him. "They don't talk much Cretin, it's a side-effect of their condition. They were yanked down the evolutionary chain, due to...ah hell what do you care? I sure don't!" Bovver smiled jokingly, earning a few leers from his lackies.

"What is it you want Mister Bovver?" Kryten asked wearily.

"A bone. Cliched innit?" Bovver said with a humorless laugh. "See it's a very special bone, we all went through a helluva lot to get our paws on it, and my ex-girlfiend saw fit to steal it from me."

"Then you have no business with me, this is a matter for you and her to settle." Kryten said firmly.

"Wrong...well..a little wrong. This is the first time Sierra has been away from the Porta Belli without that schizo droid Janus..which means that you and your three companions, have just become collaterals." Bovver informed with a wide grin.

* * *

Cat exited his dressing room with his nose and mouth pressed against the niche of his elbow, taking long deliberate steps to do investigate himself. "How do they expect me to groom myself with that stench? It gets worse by the second, I can barely color coordinate straight!" Cat scowled.

"Well aren't you a prettyboy?" said a hollow voice from behind Cat. Turning around, Cat came face to face with Bovver, the source of the stench, who consequently had something tucked beneath his arm that looked suspiciously like Kryten's head.

"No, I'm a pretty man...not that I'd expect a dog to tell the difference." Cat replied, lowering his arm from his face.

"Mm what 'bout a whole pack of dogs, reckon they could tell the difference?" Bovver challenged, tilting his head to better glimpse his lads coming up behind Cat.

"No I do not. You know what cats say about dog packs don't you? It takes five dog brains to compose one cat thought!" Cat jeered.

Bovver barked in laughter as his lackies grabbed Cat. "Not just pretty, but witty too!"

"Agh...I can't believe this, ugly really does have a smell of its own!" Cat said with a grimacing glance at his captors.

"Always said cats oughta be the ones muzzled instead of us, what with those sharp tongues, and I'll tell ya lads, I am wishin' 'bout now that I had a muzzle on hand. Gonna have to get creative won't I?" Bovver mused, with a devillish grin.

"I may not know much, like why you're here or what you want, but I do know dogs are creatively challenged. Where do you plan on getting the creativity from, a lemming?" Cat responded.

* * *

Sierra opened her grey-blue eyes, but remained stationary. "Uh-oh." she murmured, with a sigh.

Lister, who had began to drift into a cat nap of his own, mumbled. "What is it Sie?"

"Bovver." Sierra said, though she still hadn't moved.

"Bov-what?" Lister asked, sitting up as he glided out of slumberland.

"Bovver, my ex-boyfriend."

"The dog one?"

"Mm-hmm.."

"What about 'im?"

"He's here with his boys and he's a bit cross." Sierra announced, also sitting up.

"What do you mean by that?" Lister demanded, hopping out of his bunk.

Sierra opened her mouth, but paused to sniff the air again. "...They've captured Cat...and are headed toward us..." she reported, also hopping down.

"Smeg it all...Rimmer...Rimmer wake up!" Lister said, shaking Rimmer's shoulder to no avail. Resting an arm against the side of his bunk, Lister leaned down slightly and loudly snarled. "SCRAMBLE." Rimmer was startled awake, jumping out of his bunk in a blink of an eye. "We've got dog-men making a bee-line for us." he told Rimsey.

"What?! Why?" Rimmer replied.

'Ask 'er." Lister retorted, pulling on his favorite hat.

Rimmer looked to Sierra, who had crossed her arms, and rested her back against the wall beside the bunks. "I stole his bone." she said simply, her shoulders twitching in a shrug.

"Are you putting me off?" Rimmer said dubiously.

"It's an alien bone. He named it Jade because it's green..." Sierra replied, honestly.

"Alien? What sort of...?" Rimmer began but Lister cut him short.

"Don't you start. C'mon, we've got to get to the weapon cache. I bet a week's worth of curry, the mutt's packing." Lister interrupted, activating the door.

Following dutifully behind Lister, Sierra confirmed. "Bovver never goes anywhere without his sonic shotgun. Rather Victorian of him..."

"Victorian?" Rimmer repeated with a judgmental stare.

"Hold onto your H, it's just an expression." Sierra said defensively.

"Tell us more about this bone Sie." Lister said.

"Well I don't know what sort of alien it belonged to, or what kind of alien it was. The bone wasn't Bovver's to begin with, he nicked it from someplace..." Sierra explained.

"Why am I not surprised?" Rimmer sighed. "Never did trust dogs, any species that greets one another by smelling each other's anus, clearly has an alternative agenda."

Sierra smiled slightly. "All I know is the bone's loopy at the joints, and it's been encrusted with gold, which I guess makes it even more rare and expensive. But I don't think it's worth much anymore."

"Why's that?" Lister questioned, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"I've been using it to sharpen my claws." Sierra said, examining her fingertips thoughtfully.

"Where it is now?" Rimmer asked.

"Like I'm going to tell you, Not-Ace." Sierra scoffed.

"I told you to stop calling me that." Rimmer glowered.

"No you haven't." Sierra argued.

"Well I'm telling you now alright?" Rimmer snapped.

"Okay. Fine. Arnie...heha...Arnie and Moxie, awe I can see the monogram towels now..." Sierra meowed, twirling in a circle.

"You're insufferable you know that don't you Sierra? You and Cat were practically made for each other." Rimmer said lavishly.

Sierra's face clouded over and her arms knitted around her chest again. "You're his mates, right? Tell me about him." she inquired.

Lister smirked. "To call 'im high maintenance, would be putting it lightly. He doesn't always know what to say, but he always says somethin'..."

"Well that's attractive." Sierra grumbled.

"Look Cat's a good bloke, he's certainly not a thief and a cheat like this Bovver bozo you were dating.." Lister finished animatedly.

Sierra rolled her eyes. "Now you're starting to sound like Moxie." she muttered to herself.

"Yes, let's talk about Moxie for a moment shall we?" Rimmer piped. "Does she always fall for ambiguous thrill-seeking smegheads, or is it just Ace?" Sierra merely blinked at Rimmer. "What?...You're not going to tell me are you?" Rimmer guessed.

"Only if you tell me who Lister's dating, Arnie." Sierra decided.

"Don't go there Sie." Lister warned.

"No one." Rimmer told her. "I thought it'd be painstakingly obvious he's a stag. No self-respecting boyfriend would wear shirts stained with curry day in day out. More to the point, no woman would put up with it."

Sierra quickened her pace, until she was hovering over Lister's shoulder. Lister shook his head a bit. "You're here to romance Cat remember?" he reminded.

"Eck..romance.." Sierra repeated as if it were a nasty word. "I don't believe in that. Besides, I thought it was a fair question if I'm going to continue napping in your bed."

"Who said anything about that?" Lister retorted.

"Quiet Lister. Have you forgotten we have a pack of mad dogs on our trail? Now isn't the time for trivialities." Rimmer ordered. "I've upheld my end Sierra, now tell me who's Moxie involved with." he added pressingly.

"As long as I've known her, she's never bumped light beams with any other Holograms or anyone else." Sierra informed.

"What about Ace?" Rimmer pressed.

"Lots of verbal foreplay, but no actual play." Sierra smirked.

"I find that hard to believe." Lister murmured.

"I don't. I said it from the start, that man was a complete and utter gimboid." Rimmer said.

"Ya know, Moxie told me that in confidence...clearly I can't hold onto anyone's secrets but my own." Sierra jeered.

"Hold on, you swore to keep my lusting after her secret." Rimmer said.

"Hm. I sorta did, didn't I?" Sierra mused.

A small pout of silence grew, unbroken only by Lister.

"...You're not napping in me bed again." he told Sierra.

"Why not? You enjoyed it." Sierra rebutted.

"Did I?" Lister laughed.

"Not in a sexual sense, shame really, but you're a man who used to share his bed all the time...you miss the warmth of having another pressed up on you. Tell me I'm wrong." Sierra challenged, raising her head higher than its natural level.

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation." Lister mumbled, shouldering his way into the weapons locker.

Sierra watched with great interest as Lister and Rimmer armed themselves with blasters. "Wow...Arnie. If it weren't for that hideous H, mindnumbingly bad outfit, and flyaway hair style that's rebelling against itself, you could pass for Ace!" she said, smiling at Rimmer.

Rimmer forced a smile. "Do you know why I've armed myself Sierra? Because when this all goes sideways, I'm ushering you over to the tender-loving-care of Bovver and that'll be that."

"Rimmer." Lister protested.

"What? Have you got a better idea?" Rimmer retorted.

"Sure do. Sie, contact Moxie, tell 'er the situation, tell 'er if she doesn't hear from us in fifteen minutes, send Jan..." Lister's sentence became smothered by a yelp as a surge of sonic energy from Bovver's shotgun knocked him and Rimmer several leagues backwards, causing them both to crash into the wall and land face-first.

Bovver faked a grimace. "Oh sorry, were you still talkin'? What was it you were sayin'? 'Tell Moxie to send in Janus'?" he simpered, entering the room with his shotgun shuddering slightly from the aftershock. "Won't do you a lick of good. After a grueling month of searching and seducing, my lads and I found the AJE - Anti-Janus Emitter. Expect no help from Mr. Ambliiviance."

Sierra, who was slowly inching toward a blaster, marveled aloud. "That's a huge word for you Bovver, learn that during your search-n-seduce did ya?"

"Stay!" Bovver ordered, turning his shotgun at her. Sierra froze, her hands held airborne.

Lister, who had recovered from the knockback, grabbed his blaster and aimed it at Bovver. "Put down the shotty dogbreath." he declared.

"Ain't that adorable, the human's tryin' to play Master. Comes so naturally to 'em, don't it 'Ra?" Bovver gloated to Sierra.

"I'll not tell you again." Lister warned.

"It's in your best interest to play dead like your friend there," Bovver said, nodding at Rimmer who hadn't budged since the sonic blowback. "Because if I don't bring you lot back with me in a docile matter, I've ordered my boys to shred all of Cat's clothes, and play fetch with Cretin's head."

"His name's Kryten you dumb mutt." Lister said, edging forward.

"Lister put down the blaster." Sierra said.

"What, you can't be serious?" Lister blurted.

"You haven't seen the jowls of Bovver's boys, if you had, you wouldn't hesitate." Sierra replied steadily. "Trust me, in under a minute, Kryten's head would be sloshing around in their mauls like a jawbreaker."

Bovver, slightly lowering his gun, began to pace back and forth with a chuckle bubbling on his lips. "You don't wanna obey, fine. But you should know somethin' Lister, once my amigos are done shreddin' and fetchin', they are gonna be hella hungry...and it just so happens, there is a bountiful amount of curry on this here vessel..." Bovver taunted.

Scowling, Lister dropped the blaster and raised his hands. "Alright bub, alright, let's leave the curry out of this okay?"

Rimmer, who had in fact been playing possum, scrambled to his feet with a benign snarl. "..'Let's leave the curry of this'?! You had the upper hand Lister, you could've blasted that canine to kingdom-come, but in the name of curry, you surrendered your weapon. You are unbelievable." Rimmer announced, his hands stationed on his hips.

"Me? We all thought you were nickered, you could've taken the smegger unawares!" Lister argued.

"You probably still could've, if you two hadn't started raggin' on one 'nother." Bovver piped, as he disassembled the second blaster. "You humans never cease to amuse." Bovver jeered, tossing bits of their weaponry aside. "Now start walkin' to Cat's room. And you, my ravishin' 'Ra. You're goin' to tell me where you've buried my bone." he said, nudging Sierra forward

"Or what?" Sierra pressed, as she followed Lister and Rimmer into the hall.

"Or I'm goin' to hurt your new friends." Bovver answered readily.

"There's a very important word in your threat, and that word is 'new'. I barely know these guys, what do I care?" Sierra said with a seedy leer.

"What the smeg Sie?" Lister demanded, gazing angrily at the feline fatale.

"Relax human, she's bluffin'." Bovver said.

"I am not." Sierra rebutted.

"She'd better be!" Lister added.

Rimmer glanced back at Sierra worriedly. "Just remember, you may've slept in Lister's bed, but in actuality, you've interacted more with me." he pointed out.

Sierra ignored Rimmer, her gaze primarily on Lister. "Bovver cheated on me nine times! If I have to choose between your well-being and my revenge, sorry, but it's no competition." she responded, breaking eye contact with the last word.

"Nine times?" Rimmer repeated. "And it didn't occur to you to maybe leave the git after cheat number four?"

"Hey you think it's easy being a cat attracted to dogs?!" Sierra ranted. "They've poor hygiene, they always eat as if they're starving and they're only interested in one position!"

"Well you won't have that problem with Listy, he'll take any position." Rimmer snickered.

"OI." Lister protested. "Can we focus a lil more on you letting 'im turn us into dogfood over a smegging bone? A bone you don't even like!"

"I do like it!" Sierra argued.

"Then why'd you tell us you sharpen your nails with it?" Lister challenged.

The entertained grin that had spawned on Bovver's face dissolved in seconds. "She's been what?!" he cried.


	4. Chapter 4

***Meanwhile aboard the Porta Belli***

Moxie gazed tentatively into the seemingly empty room of Isolde Jules, the twin sister of Pierre. Like her brother, Isolde was two quarters polymorph, capable of transforming into anything, for any given length of time. Unlike Pierre, Isolde had been plagued by post-tramatic-stress-disorder and mostly kept to herself. Normally, Moxie left her alone, but things weren't going normally for Moxie today. "Izzy...Sierra needs your help. Bovver's back, he's holding her hostage on the nearby mining ship and he's gotten ahold of an AJE...do you know what that is?" Moxie greeted, straight to the point.

Isolde who had been hiding as a book, on her bookshelf, materialized into her natural form. Her long black hair ebbed over her petite shoulders, her fair skin was largely hidden beneath a deep blue technician suit, her stoic green eyes regarded Moxie carefully. "An Anti-Janus Emitter...completely renders his teleportation and communication capabilities useless, as well as creates an automatic shutdown for his physical form..the AJE was created after the series 2 Quirinus vessels were outlawed." she replied.

"Do you know what it looks like?" Moxie pressed. Isolde nodded. "Good, because Janus had no smegging idea, which he was very upset about by the way. God forbid he isn't the smartest AI in the universe."

Janus's voice echoed throughout the ship. "I am having a difficult time maintaining the mutuality of my DPM, Madame. I recommend not patronizing me."

Isolde cracked a smile, much to Moxie's delight. "Izzy, Pierre and I need you to come aboard Red Dwarf with us to identify the device and dismantle it. Do you think you can do that?" Moxie asked gingerly.

"I shouldn't have a problem finding and destroying the AJE...it's just..." Isolde glanced around at the four corners of her room. "Leaving that's troubling me..." she said softly.

"I can guarantee there's no one aboard Red Dwarf you'll fall for, let alone walk down the aisle with and spontaneously combust upon on your wedding day." Moxie promised.

Isolde's eyes grew moist, but she giggled anyway. "What are they like?" she wondered.

Moxie opened her mouth, but Pierre, who unknown to Moxie, had been loitering outside Isolde's room almost as long as she had, stepped forward to console his sister. "Well you don't necessarily have to interact with them, but I can show you a vid." Pierre glanced over his shoulder at a confused Moxie. "See Mox, the minute you and Janus teleported onto Red Dwarf, Janus began to broadcast a live feed through his optics to our ship, in the event of an emergency."

"What for? He was with me, I wasn't in any danger!" Moxie exclaimed.

"Because I told him to." Pierre said smugly, resting his weight against Isolde's desk. Pierre, smirking openly now at Moxie's stunned stare added. "I needed some form of entertainment what with my porn output being nullified and all. Moxie, you did not disappoint. Janus play the feedback. Watch closely sis, all their names are spoken."

Glancing at the screen in Isolde's room, as it flicked to life, Moxie took one brief glance at herself interacting with Rimmer, before walking away in a huff. "I cannot believe I'm going to have that bugger in my mouth..." she rumbled to herself.

* * *

 ****Back aboard Red Dwarf****

When Bovver herded Lister, Sierra and Rimmer into Cat's room, there were two things that instantly caught their attention; it wasn't the multitude of clothes, the grotesque visages of Bovver's boys, or Cat's bright lime-green suit. It was the noose roped around Cat's throat, his hands tied behind his back, while he stood precariously upon Kryten's disembodied head. Cat's pitiful face, brightened immensely at the sight of Sierra. "Hey baby!" he grinned, then as if remembering his predicament, Cat casted a look at himself in the full-length mirror and grimaced in dismay. "Wait baby don't look at me..." he pled. "This rope clashes with my outfit. I begged them to use something black or grey instead, but these damn dogs..they wouldn't listen!"

"These aren't dogs Cat, they're pez-dispensers with teeth." Rimmer retorted, glancing glumly at the corner of the room where Kryten's headless body fought valiantly against the dog-men holding him down.

Bovver clapped Rimmer on the back. "Mighty funny words from a man who looks like the offspring of a steam whistle and a bristle brush. Aye 'Ra? Think maybe I oughta start the hurtin' with him?' he debated, his gaze eagerly sweeping from Rimmer to Sierra.

"He's the cowardly carbon copy of Ace, he's already hurting." Sierra scoffed nonchalantly. "What you ought to be doing is explaining why you're playing hangman, this isn't like you at all.."

"It was the best way to shut 'im up...both of 'em really." Bovver replied with an uncaring shrug. "Wasn't really plannin' on him dyin' but I figured it might inspire you to talk, if he does."

A ripe anger had rippled within Lister when he caught sight of Cat, but the initial shock had subdued Lister from taking immediate action. The shock had faded. "Sod this!" Lister grunted, tackling Bovver, his shoulder jamming Bovver straight in the ribcage. The combined form of Lister and Bovver lolled on the floor, each fighting for control of Bovver's weapon.

Sprinting forward Sierra grabbed Rimmer's arm, her claws cutting into the hook of his elbow as she hauled him alongside, her gaze locked on Cat. "C'mon gimme a boost we have to cut him down." she instructed.

Bovver's boys rose from their hunched positions to intercept them, but through his struggle with Bovver, Lister managed to throttle the shotgun. The sonic blast knocked Bovver's boys into Cat's wall of full-length mirrors. His vain heart breaking, Cat's mouth jutted open, as the pieces of shattered mirror rained onto the floor. "Oh good going!" Cat complained bitterly. Bovver, who had attempted to angle the shotgun at Cat, unleashed another jolt, this time striking Sierra who was flung forward against Cat's legs while Rimmer was cast sideways from the sonic feedback. Cat looked down at the motionless Sierra clinging to his thighs, and saw to his eternal joy, her unabridged cleavage. Cat glanced up at Lister who was still rough-housing Bovver. "I forgive you!" Cat called with a haughty grin.

Rimmer, who had recuperated quicker than Sierra, shook his head a bit at the sight of her pressed against Cat's groin. "You gals do move quickly don't you?" he summarized.

Sierra straightened, the hairs on the back of her neck prickling, as Bovver's boys slowly started to close in. "Boost-me." she hissed, her eyes never leaving the incoming hybrids.

"I would..but I'm hurting. Being a cowardly carbon copy of Ace, does that ya know." Rimmer retorted, his attention on the opposite direction of Bovver's boys.

A hiss-like scoff exhumed from Cat's lips. "I'd have thought you'd be used to that by now!"

"Arnie, I said that to spare you from Bovver's brutality." Sierra retorted.

"AH-He bit me arm!" Lister cried out informedly.

"See?" Sierra said, gesturing at Lister and Bovver without turning her head.

"I still want an apology." Rimmer persisted, as Bovver's lot drew closer behind him.

"You're joking."

"Nope."

A series of howls pierced the air as the mutts holding down Kryten's flailing body, were hit by the sonic shotgun, their hunched bodies strewn sideways into the broken glass. Kryten's body sprang up, wrangling itself toward the incoming hybrids who cautiously retreated, barking and growling. The sound of their mutated voices startled Rimmer, amusing Sierra who then decided to speak against her very nature. "I'm sorry Arnie, that you're not Ace, and that I called you Not-Ace, even though you are in fact, not Ace. Satisfied?" she rambled. Still glancing nervously at Bovver's boys who were trying to get around Kryten's jerking body, Rimer nodded. "Then stop standing there all un-Ace-like and boost me!" Sierra demanded, stomping her foot.

"So much for an apology." Rimmer huffed, cupping his hands together and bucking down to allow Sierra to use him as a partial climbing post.

"Actually that was pretty good for a cat apology." Cat piped. "Usually we just rub our cheeks against whoever it is we offended - impossible to stay mad at."

"I wasn't about to do that." Sierra said, one hand resting on Cat's shoulder, the other carefully cutting the sturdy noose around his neck into strands of frayed rope.

"Good, because if GoalPostHead had indented that flawless face of yours, I'd have to use his locker as a latrine again." Cat responded.

The precise second the noose went limp around his neck, Cat did a barrel jump to spring his arms free from the niche of his back. Though an impressive feat, Cat's sudden movement, did cause Sierra and Rimmer, who were still joined together like a lopsided totem-pole, to stagger. Everyone would've likely remained on their feet, if Bovver hadn't fired his sonic shotgun into their midst. The blowback resulted in Sierra landing head first on Rimmer's chest, and Cat, partially strung across Sierra's back. Bovver and his boys, began to immediately howl in laughter at Sierra's compromising position, uncaring that Kryten's body had finally found his head. Sierra slinked sideways, effectively freeing herself, as she crawled toward an unconscious Lister. It appeared that after their scuffle, Bovver had hand-cuffed Lister's good hand, to his ankle.

"Naw look at that lads, 'Ra really does care for the curry-lovin' human." Bovver simpered, watching her intently. "You shoulda heard her on the way here, pretending to be indifferent to the lot of 'em...but what've we witnessed her doin' boys? Rescuing, apologizing and now nursing...I barely recognize 'er." Bovver chortled, as Sierra licked at Lister's bleeding forearm.

Awakening, Lister winced. "Ah...what're you doing Sie?"

"Sterilizing your arm...we may be here awhile..." Sierra explained, with a final lick.

"That must be why Lister, sure it had nothing to do with Sierra dying to put her mouth on you." Rimmer jeered, cooperating with Bovver's boys as they lashed ropes around him, Kryten and Cat, despite Cat's pleas for a black nylon rope this time.

"Mister Rimmer sir you can't possibly be suggesting...egh..." Kryten stammered. "Inconceivable! Literally and metaphorically! Intercourse between a cat and a human would not produce offspring, and therefore would be a futile endeavor."

"No one's producin' nothin'! Smeg it all..." Lister rambled, cradling his wounded arm with his face slightly flushed. "She's yours Cat, I want nothin' to do with her."

"She don't belong to me when I look like this - I don't wanna belong to me when I look like this!" Cat responded, woefully peeking at his reflection in the full-length mirror that hadn't been smashed. His once perfectly quaffed hair was muddled, and it was eating him up inside.

Sierra, stubbed by Lister's complete write off, grabbed him by the scruff of his jacket. "I don't belong to anyone, Lister. How dare you objectify me...Is it because I'm a cat or because I'm a woman? Hm?" she demanded.

"Yes Listy, which is it?" Rimmer simpered.

"Neither! Alri-egh! You scratched me." Lister stuttered, as Sierra withdrew with a stern look on her face. Lister gingerly touched the gash beneath his chin. "It's not bad enough I may've rabies from your barking loon of an ex-boyfriend, you have to open me up too? Bollocks."

"Shut up!" Sierra snapped.

Bovver, who had been sitting in a hunched position, resting his elbow on Kryten's head, rose with a smirk. "There's the 'Ra I know, good to see 'er return, I was becomin' worried, truly I was. Thinkin' to myself, how could an l-cat so fickle become a wet-nurse overnight?"

Sierra scowled as Bovver's boys began to chuckle, a haunting sound that was a hybrid in of itself. "I don't care what you say, or what you do, I'm not giving you Jade back." she stated plainly.

An alarm rang out, and Cat's inactive screen flashed the words 'SECURITY BREACH'. Bovver's boys stood, awaiting Bovver's command. Bovver nodded at them, and they scurried off to investigate, a few of them running on four legs. "The inevitable arrival of Moxie Barrie-Craigles, at last. You don't wanna share where my bone is 'Ra, maybe Poxy-Moxie will." Bovver mused.

Sierra laughed. "Moxie hates you. She's gotten sick of me running back to you, that's why we're here."

Bovver opened his mouth to laugh, then jammed his jaw shut again, his shotgun rattling out of his hands as his palms clamped down on his ears. A sound, only audible to him, wracked Bovver's skull, his face contorting in pain, his booted foot resting on the shotgun for safekeeping. "A dog-whistle...that trollop has a...ugh! Where'd she get...ugf...?" he stammered, his shoulders wrenched in agony. Sierra took a deliberate step forward, and a growl rumbled in Bovver's chest. "Do it 'Ra and..eff...I'll tear you a new one.." Bovver threatened, barring his teeth to the best of his ability, the whistle still searing through his eardrums.

Sierra paused. Not because Bovver frightened her, but because Janus had materialized before her eyes. Without wasting a second, Janus grabbed Bovver by the base of his hair, yanking his head backward so that Janus could make eye contact. "I did warn you what would happen the next time I saw you around Milady Sierra..." he greeted stoically.

"Ya can't neuter me, you don't have the right!" Bovver whimpered, his husky voice evaporating into thin air.

The latex edges of Janus's mouth pulled tautly into a smile. "Miss Barrie-Craigles believes otherwise. Hold still."

What the Dwarfers saw next, made them wince whole-heartedly and subconsciously cradle their manhood. Except for Kryten, who merely turned his head and tutted about how the Janus on his television program had done the same thing to a Gelf.

* * *

 ****Elsewhere on Red Dwarf****

Moxie lowered the whistle from her lips, and glanced at it pessimistically. "I hoped you enjoyed that, because it won't be happening again..." she told it, tossing it aside.

Before the whistle hit the ground, it transformed into Pierre. "You say that now, but it gets lonely in deep space. Why else would Sie keep crawling back to Bovver?" Pierre replied, peeking out the corridor window at Bovver's boys who were slowly regaining their composure.

Though Bovver's howl was faint to their ears, the terror and pain it consisted of, was quite loud. Something Pierre and Moxie could hear fine, was the horrified barks of Bovver's boys beyond the barricaded corridor door, followed by a series of rushed footfalls. Moxie smiled wickedly. "Lonely or not, Sierra won't have a use for Bovver now."

Pierre glanced at Moxie with horror-stricken eyes. "You weren't serious when you gave Janus that order to neuter Bov the next time we encountered him...?"

Moxie shrugged. "Janus never did have an ear for sarcasm..." she retorted slyly.

Isolde's voice crackled over Moxie's communication watch. "Bovver's boys are leaving the ship with their tails between their legs...I didn't even know they had tails! What's Janus done?"

"Nothing to concern yourself with Izzy. Everything's on the up and up...except Bovver..." Moxie snickered.

* * *

 ****Thirty Minutes Later - The Porta Belli Docking Bay****

Bovver had been reduced to a shuddering mess of an alpha dog. His rustic red hair was lain flat, his grey stumble gleaming with sweat. "Poxy-Moxie, I'm beggin' ya, don't leave me planet-side by my lonesome. Ain't I sufferin' enough?" he pled, his eyes gleaming with self-pity.

Moxie leaned down, hovering over Bovver who was slumped beside the teleportation pods. "Short answer - no. You disassembled a mechanoid who's largest threat to you was improving your hygiene, then used his head as an improvised gallows to string up Cat." Moxie began.

"String, where?" Cat looked around briefly, before glaring at the dog again. "Hey don't you go thinking the string game will make up anything, because it won't."

"He barely noticed!" Bovver growled at Moxie, with a sideways leer at the Cat.

"Yeah well I noticed when you took a chunk out of me arm the size of an overgrown potato." Lister spoke up, raising at his bandaged forearm.

"That'll heal! What's been done to me, can never be undone." Bovver insisted.

"Yes, it was a grave insult that should never be inflicted upon any man." Rimmer agreed, earning the attention of the room, as he strolled up beside Moxie, with his gaze gyrating between her and Bovver. "That being said, you're a mutt, a mutt that brought this on yourself. Swinging your gun around half-cocked, blasting anyone that got in your path, and the way you handled that sonic weaponry was equally appalling."

Bovver's nostrils flared, his head tilting in recognition. "You...I thought you smelled strangely familiar."

Rimmer scoffed and glanced at the silhouette of Janus represented on the wall monitor. "When you neutered him d'you think it's possible you fried a few of his braincells?" he asked, then without waiting for a response, Rimmer looked back at Bovver and added. "Holograms don't produce odors, you twonk."

"Naw they don't..." Bovver agreed. "Unless you're a dog, then you might be able to pick up the ionic scent of two Holograms that've been bumping each other." he haughtily explained with a sneer on his lips and a devious glint to his eyes.

Moxie's eyes fluttered closed in embarrassment. "That was an accident." she told him.

"Don't smell like an accident to me." Bovver chortled, his mouth widening in a silent snicker.

"Quiet." Moxie mumbled crossly.

Bovver shifted his gaze onto Rimmer. "If I had known you were Moxie's beau, I'd have..."

"I said - QUIET!" Moxie snapped, smacking Bovver's nose with the crevice of her palm.

A doglike whimper whistled from Bovver's mouth, then he gave himself a shake and glowered. "Oh the next time I see you I'mma dig out your holo-beam outta your hard-light ass and...whouf..." Bovver trailed off in another whimper as Moxie swatted him again.

"Next time, Janus might not be as generous." Moxie whispered warningly.

"Yeah? Me neither." Bovver responded, his gaze searing into Cat, before darting to Sierra. "I will fetch my damnable bone someday 'Ra. And when I do, I just might seek revenge for my neuterin'." He glared openly at Moxie. "You destroyed my spuds Mox-Pox, think I oughta go about destroying yours too." He threatened, his glare sliding sideways onto Rimmer.

"Go ahead." Moxie encouraged with a smirk and a shrug.

Rimmer was instantly alarmed by Moxie's response. "..Hold on..." he stammered aloud, with no real verbal direction in mind, a worried hand swaying in the aimlessly in the air.

"Don't worry Rimmer, he'll have a hard time finding us without his space-bike..." Lister spoke up, both sets of his fingers clenching at the throttles.

"You even think of keepin' my bike, I swear to the canine cabana in the sky, I'll..." Bovver growled.

"You'll what? Bite me some more? Have at it then!" Lister taunted, straddling the bike's seat with his arms raised. Bovver lurched forward, but Sierra swung her claws into Bovver's chest, pinning him in place. "The way I see it Bovver, this here bike is compensation for this macho regime of yours, past, present and future." Lister finished with a bold smirk.

"And on that rousing note..." Sierra simpered, her free hand buffing the teleportation input pad she was standing beside. "Bon Voyage!" Sierra pushed Bovver backward, his head thumping against the teleportation entryway before the beam activated, whisking him away to the nearest habitable planet.

Pierre yawned, laying the back of his head against a corridor window. "That took long enough, never realized how much Bovver liked to blab his bravado..." he grunted.

Isolde leaned her arm against the windowpane, staring downward at the silver and brown planet. "Wonder what he'll do without his dog pack.." she murmured. "Or his bike.." Isolde glanced over at Lister. "Bovver will be back, he may be a simple breed, but he's plenty determined." Isolde told Lister.

"Well in that case, I'm going to need your help." Lister said, swaggering up to her. "Think you could blind him with your beauty while I plop 'im on the nose like Moxie did?"

Isolde giggled, Lister smiled and Pierre, straightening from his sleepy demeanor, scowled. Janus silently observed Moxie and Cat sharing Lister's smile, while Sierra and Rimmer mirrored Pierre's scowl. The most animate of the bunch however, was Kryten, blistering with animosity at the clear attraction between Lister and Isolde. Assessing the mutuality of his DPM beginning to wane, Janus piped. "Miss Barrie-Craigles? The desensitization of Bovver's groin and de-characterization of Bovver himself has proven entertaining, but perhaps it is time to plot the next destination course. As you know, calibrating DNA markers into comprehensive star coordinates, requires..."

"We won't be looking for another feline sapient, Janus." Moxie interrupted.

"But the mission parameters have not been met - we have not located a cat capable of traveling aboard with us." Janus argued.

"Sure we have. I'm issuing a DBL." Moxie responded with a cheeky grin.

Kryten gasped. "A Docking Bay Lock ma'am? Without even asking us first?"

Lister shrugged, glancing briefly at Moxie before returning his focus to Isolde. "It's alright by me."

"Mister Lister sir!" Kryten protested.

"Safety in numbers Kryten...ain't that right Commanding Officer Rimsey?" Lister responded, approaching Rimmer.

"Forget Alphabet Head, don't I get a say in this?" Cat asked, following in Lister's footfalls.

"What'd you say?" Lister inquired, looking over his shoulder, acutely aware that Moxie and Sierra had banded together on the opposite side of the corridor to converse with their crewmates.

"I say they stay! Sierra is smoking. And for a Hologram, Moxie's a bombshell." Cat replied.

"Aye, Isolde's a babe too." Lister murmured.

"Sirs aren't you forgetting something?" Kryten inquired.

"Absolutely Kryters, they're forgetting something monumentally vital." Rimmer agreed. "Moxie's spoken for." he added with a watchful glower, pointing at Lister and Cat.

"Actually Mister Rimmer, I was referring to the six-foot android whom we witnessed neutering a fully grown canine sapient." Kryten replied.

"Easily avoided, we aren't cheaters." Rimmer said.

"Yeah. Especially when there's no one around to cheat with!" Cat piped.

Sensing he was losing his argument, Kryten became more disgruntled by the second. "Neither Janus nor Bovver would've ever found their way aboard Red Dwarf if it weren't for those..hussies." Kryten whispered the venom-filled word. "Don't you see Sirs? This is only the beginning, think of the trouble to come if we remained docked together."

"That's women for ya Kryters." Lister responded, his gaze traveling across the room.

Across the room, Moxie's crew were also having a counterproductive discussion.

"This is a horrible idea." Pierre said flatly.

Sierra scoffed, tossing her hair. "You'd be singing a different tune if they had a woman aboard." she accused, hands on her hips.

"You're right." Pierre replied. "Which is precisely my point. Those four have been traveling in deep space for who knows how long with only themselves as company? I bet they've become deviants, intent on turning you three into sex slaves."

"Brother, isn't that a little absurd?" Isolde asked.

"It's very absurd." Sierra answered. "Bots are sexually inapt, look at Janus! Smoother than a surfboard."

"Insult perceived, analyzing ego damage." Janus mumbled from the monitor.

Moxie sighed. "Janus, ignore Sierra's remark and for argument's sake, compose a psychological profile for the Dwarfers. Assess if anyone is a threat, sexual or otherwise."

"Permission to take immediate action if threat is found?" Janus marveled.

Pierre opened his mouth, but Sierra stomped on his foot, allowing Moxie to answer uninterrupted. "Permission denied. And don't slow the process thinking I'll change my mind, I won't."

"I don't care what the results say," Sierra spoke up, as Moxie casually maneuvered to the monitor to accept the typed paper jutting out from the control panel beside it. "If anyone should be perceived as 'sexual deviants' it should be us. I mean we did come aboard demanding their Mancandy Cat sail away with us for my benefit."

"'Mancandy'?" Moxie repeated, briefly reverting her attention from Janus's report. "So you're attracted to him.."

"Sure. He's got a pronounced chin, looks like he could play rough...if he weren't obsessed with ruffles, waistcoats and whatnot..." Sierra responded, glancing at the Dwarfers thoughtfully. "Lister on the other hand, gave Bovver quite the shiner..." she continued ruefully.

"Sierra." Moxie scolded.

"Just an innocent observation Mox." Sierra insisted.

"Mm-hmm." Moxie hummed unconvinced, swiftly folding up the report before Pierre could read it. "Let me make one thing abundantly clear to you all. We aren't here to play cupid, we're here for interactive experience, which we all direly need, Janus no less than the rest of us. Besides, it'll be good for Izzy's condition." Moxie announced, with a prudent glance at Pierre.

An outburst from Kryten about 'innie-and-outy parts', caused Moxie's lot to turn their gawking attention onto the mechanoid, as he stomped away into the innards of Red Dwarf. A sheepish Lister, stepped forward. "Uh he's just gone to do a bit of cleaning..." he explained.

"Kryten doesn't like us does he?" Moxie marveled, reflecting on the report.

"Oh no he does, he just likes cleaning more." Lister said in a half truth.

"Is the Docking Bay Lock still a go?" Rimmer asked, attempting to sound uninterested.

"It is." Moxie answered, much to Pierre's chagrin.

"Then the first thing I propose is a tour of each other's vessel." Rimmer stated.

"I don't see the need for formalities. You're all welcome to come and go as you see fit.." Moxie replied.

"Madame!" Janus protested.

"Except." Moxie continued, raising her voice at Janus's interruption. "When Janus is charging his physical platform, such as now. He gets very finicky when he isn't able to move around freely. It'd be best to keep yourselves on Red Dwarf during those junctures."

"Sounds fair enough." Lister said.

Taking a deep breath, Isolde mentally leapt from her comfort zone. "I'd like to see a tour of your ship." she requested.

"I'd be more than happy to show ya." Lister smiled, offering her the niche of his arm.

Pierre grunted and moved to intercept his sister, when Moxie clasped a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you Dave. As for the rest of us, it's been a long day..perhaps we should get some shut-eye.." Moxie responded pointedly.

"Not tired." Sierra replied, walking up to Cat. "How about we go on a tour of our own?" she purred.

"In these clothes?" Cat screeched, gesturing at his wrinkled clothes. "I don't think so honey."

Casting a glance at the retreating forms of Isolde and Lister arm-in-arm, Sierra impatiently sighed. "Alright then how about we skip straight to the part where you show me the bathtub?"

"The bathtu.." Cat paused as Sierra seductively traced one of his fangs with her finger and brushed down his bottom lip. His dumbstruck face melted into bliss. "Yeaaaaooouuuuuaaaaah! Let's go." Cat said, hooking an arm around Sierra's waist and leading her onward.

Rimmer who had been distracted by Cat's silently jeering face, didn't immediately notice that Moxie and Pierre had disappeared within the Porta Belli. When he did, Rimmer took an automatic step forward and was forced backward by a gust of compressed air as Janus dutifully sealed the docking door. "I am still charging my physical shell, you are not permitted aboard until my charging is complete." Janus reminded.

"Which will be when? Rimmer asked.

"Unknown."

"Bollocks, you know, you just won't tell me."

"True. Signing off." Janus dismissed.

* * *

"Mister Jules? You instructed I wake you after a hour with a shipe-wide status report on the crew." Janus remarked. "With whom should I begin?"

Pierre shifted in his hammock, tiredly opening his eyes. "Start with the Dwarfers." he instructed.

"The Dwarfers are not part of our crew Mister Jules." Janus replied.

"Look I don't like it anymore than you," Pierre yawned. "but they're an extension of our crew for the foreseeable future, according to Captaincy Barrie-Craigles. There's no use sniveling, once Moxie makes up her mind..So lemme hear it.."

"Kryten has finished cleaning the broken glass out of Cat's room. Cat and Sierra have remained in the bathing quarters. Lister, is having a candid conversation with Isolde about whether keeping Bovver's space-bike as compensation, is any better or worse than Sierra stealing Bovver's bone. Rimmer correctly predicted when my charge time would end and is now standing on the threshold of your room." Janus informed.

Pierre opened his eyes, and gazed at his doorway where sure enough Rimmer was reluctantly standing. Rimmer forced a smile. "Hello Pierre. Grand ship, the adverts didn't exaggerate one bit..." he greeted awkwardly. Pierre gave a nod of acknowledgement. Rimmer cleared his throat. "Have you seen Moxie by chance?"

"Not since her docking orders. Janus, where is she?" Pierre asked.

"Confidentially protocols active." Janus answered plaintively.

"That means she's in her quarters, and she doesn't want to be disturbed." Pierre explained.

"Ah. I'll just.." Rimmer began to back away.

"Take the lift up a floor, Moxie's room is the third door on the left." Pierre told him.

Janus waited until Rimmer had thanked him and left, before remarking. "Miss Barrie-Craigles wished to minimize contact with Rimmer, Mister Jules."

"I know." Pierre smirked, shutting his eyes again. "Which is why I'm commanding you not to interfere with the lift or warn her."

"Mister Jules..." Janus protested.

"I don't think Moxie's fully realized what this joint venture will be like. Some one-on-one time with Ace's charmless doppelganger ought to do the trick." Pierre insisted.

Moxie hadn't thought to lock her door, a decision she regretted the moment Rimmer walked into her room. "For smeg's sake! Janus!" Moxie cried, leaving the comfort of her bedside. "I thought I made myself clear...Janus...?" Moxie pressed, glaring at the ceiling.

"What's the matter Mox? Incapable of holding a conversation without an android beside you, ready to blast anyone who hurls an insult?" Rimmer inquired cockily.

Moxie exhaled her annoyance into a long sigh and sank back onto her bed. "How can I help you Rimmer?" she greeted with a practiced smile.

"Since we're going to be traveling together, it's important we talk about strawberries."

"Strawberries?"

"How would you like it if a box of strawberries showed up on your doorstep, and when you took a bite, its juicy deliciousness washed over your tongue, then some braggart popped up, took the strawberry out of your mouth, smacked you and said 'Whoops wrong house'." Rimmer responded coyly.

Moxie clung tightly onto her spite, hoping to subdue the embarrassment threatening to engulf her. "If I wasn't expecting strawberries, I wouldn't have indulged myself." she said firmly.

"What if the strawberries were addressed to you, what then?" Rimmer challenged. "Maybe they came as a surprise, a gift from an admirer in your past you never knew about. The point is, you fell in love with the taste of the strawberry and grew upset at the knowledge that something so...desirable was meant for someone else. You'd be riled, wouldn't know what to do with yourself..and being blasted straight on your arse, certainly wouldn't help." Rimmer finished.

Moxie was silent a moment, studying Rimmer. "...This is about Janus isn't it?" she said at last.

"What?" Rimmer replied, his brow furrowing.

"You saw what he did to Bovver, and you realized you might've gotten off easy, that's why you're here." Moxie mused. "Nothing to do with 'strawberries'..."

"It has everything to do with 'strawberries'." Rimmer persisted seriously.

"No way." Moxie giggled dubiously.

"Why not?" Rimmer asked, irately.

"Because it goes completely against your psychological profile. Saving your hide, or in this case your spuds, sure - confessing anything lovey-dovey, surely not." Moxie replied.

"What were you doing reading my psychological profile? That's highly privileged private information."

"Did you think I'd travel alongside Red Dwarf without first knowing the psychological make-up of its crew? We're in deep space, had to make sure you weren't a bunch of budding sociopaths."

"The only 'budding sociopath' is that droid of yours who attacks first and assesses sarcasm later."

"We've never had problems with his DPM malfunctioning, but if it's any consolation I'm sorry I let Janus attack you, okay? It won't happen again." Moxie promised, standing. "With enough time in your presence, he'll eventually comprehend you're a smeghead and I won't even need to active his Passive inhibitors."

"Is that really what you think of me Moxie?" Rimmer pressed.

"I've just met you Rimmer, course I think you're a smeghead!" Moxie replied exasperatedly. She turned away from Rimmer's crestfallen face, choosing to stare at the floor, like a guilty child.

"Well that's perfectly fine, I still think you're a slag." Rimmer retorted, though his words didn't quite uphold the ferocity he had intended.

Moxie gave him a sharp glare. "You got what you wanted..." she murmured.

"Did I?" Rimmer retorted brazenly.

"Yes, I apologized and accepted your rather long-winded, metaphorically ridden apology as well. Although, piece of advise," Moxie glanced up Rimmer again, hoping her voice would remain convincingly level. "You did lay it on a bit thick with that 'love at first snog' part. Only a fool would believe in that."

"A fool?" Rimmer repeated, his tone riddled with vexation. Moxie gave an unhelpful nod and Rimmer summoned his composure. "Yes, of course. We're all squared away then are we?"

"You called me a slag."

"You called me a smeghead!"

There was an annoying twitch within Moxie's mind that enjoyed the banter, which caused a smirk to surface on her lips. "We're squared."

"Good. Excellent. No need for any lingering tension, bad for morale." Rimmer rambled, ignoring the insufferable urge to feel her mouth against his again.

An awkward silence thrived within the room, during which neither Rimmer nor Moxie were looking at each other. Eventually Moxie cleared her throat, then Rimmer gave his infamous salute and exited with a polite grimace.


End file.
